Where is Max?
I want to start the meeting.
My money's on "stuck in a well."
Why would Max be stuck in a well?
Because I put a well in his room.
Guys, so sorry I'm late.
I got stuck in a well.
And thank you to Alex, I don't have to leave my room
to get a drink of water anymore.
Alex, go up to your brother's room and get rid of that well.
But save the water, 'cause we need to make ice cubes.
OK. I'll save the wood, too, so you can turn it into pulp and make napkins.
Hey... that is a great idea.
You get on that!
OK, tomorrow is your mother's birthday.
Oh, do you guys give her magical gifts?
You know Mom and magic. Not a fan.
Great. I can give her my "I hate magic" t-shirt.
Yeah, she'd probably like that.
There's this whole shelf of magical gifts
Uncle Kelbo gave her and she never even opened 'em.
Let me guess, Alex opened them?
Kuh-ah-ah!
Alex does not know about this shelf.
She thinks they're educational toys.
And you are not gonna be the one to tell her about it.
Don't worry. I won't say anything.
Look, we don't have to worry about Kelbo's gift this year,
because he's not coming to dinner.
Uncle Kelbo's not coming to dinner?
That's my gift to Mom. I call it.
♪ Well, you know everything's gonna be a breeze ♪
♪ And the end will no doubt justify the means ♪
♪ You can fix any problem with the slightest of ease ♪
♪ Yes please ♪
♪ But you might find out it'll go to your head ♪
♪ When you write a report on a book you never read ♪
♪ With the snap of your fingers you can make your bed ♪
♪ That's what I said ♪
♪ Everything is not what it seems ♪
♪ When you can get all you wanted in your wildest dreams ♪
♪ You might run into trouble if you go to extremes ♪
♪ Because everything is not what it seems ♪
♪ Everything is not what it seems ♪
♪ When you can have what you want by the simplest of means ♪
♪ Be careful not to mess with the balance of things ♪
♪ Because everything is not... ♪
♪ What it seems ♪
Hey, Mom, here's a little pre-birthday present for you.
Uncle Kelbo's not coming to your birthday dinner.
Pretty good, huh? It's just gonna be the six of us.
That's great, honey. It'll be just like every other dinner, right?
Do I get to cook it, too?
No, it's your birthday. It should be special.
Why don't we invite over all of your cousins?
They live so close but we never get to see them.
No, no, no. No one from my side of the family is visiting.
Can we at least invite Uncle Ernesto?
Yeah, come on. He always has awesome stories about his travels all over the world.
His stories aren't that great.
I've got stories from my travels.
Remember the time I almost hit the rat on the Brooklyn Bridge?
I was like... whoa!
I'll never forget that time Uncle Ernesto took me to that Mets game.
He caught a foul ball and gave it to me.
That was like, ten years ago.
How about you get another story about some grown-up that likes you.
Ten years, Theresa.
I think they're old enough to understand now.
Yeah, Mom, come on. What is it?
Are you embarrassed of us?
If anyone needs me, I'll be upstairs spearing things.
No, honey, I've numbed out "embarrassed" long, long ago.
Then what is it, Mom? We used to have so much fun
with Uncle Ernesto.
Yeah. That was before your powers came in.
Remember the next time he took you to a Mets game?
You guys used magic to make every foul ball come straight to you.
Oh, yeah. After that, I can't risk him finding out about magic.
Well... So, what, you're just gonna ignore your brother forever?
That actually sounds like a good idea.
I've thought about having Ernesto over so many times
but you guys are way too careless with wizardry.
Well...
What if we promised that if Uncle Ernesto came over,
it would be a magic-free evening?
I would love to have Ernesto over,
but you guys can't go ten minutes without using magic.
Mom, I've been holding back using magic all day.
You don't think I want to turn Justin's ugly shirt into something uglier?
You don't think I want to put a zipper on Alex's face?
If you promise... We promise.
Promise. Promise, promise.
Then I guess we can have Ernesto over.
Yay for family.
Oh, Harper, you don't have to go to such extremes for my birthday cake.
I'd be just as happy with a candle in a cupcake.
Well, let her make the cake, honey.
Ooh, that would be good.
Harper, can you make a honey cake?
I can put in whatever you want.
Making a birthday cake from scratch is a Finkle family tradition.
All right. Wands are in the Lair.
The well is gone. We are in a magic-free zone.
Happy birthday, Mom. Thank you, mija.
This is gonna be the best birthday ever.
Oh, I hope I didn't just jinx it.
Oh, that's Uncle Ernesto.
OK, whatever you guys do, do not use magic.
Yes, Justin, why don't you say it louder?
Hey! Hey!
How you doing? Nice to see you. What's up, man?
Hey, Theresa! Ernesto!
Oh, you look great. I know!
And you still look like you're 27 years old.
I know!
You haven't changed, have you?
Has she told you how wildly popular she was in high school?
Today? Not yet.
Well, I was wildly popular, too.
But am I the only one here? Where's the rest of the family?
Oh, well, I got so excited when I invited you and you said you'd come
that I forgot to invite anybody else.
Jerry? Um...
Long time, no see, Ernesto. How've you been?
Oh, terrific. I've been terrific, actually.
I just came back from a trip down to Mexico,
and while I was there, I helped rescue the President of Mexico's cat.
So... they gave me the key to the country!
Wow!
Now we can get into Mexico,
even after it's closed, and on the weekends.
All right. I was just kidding about the key.
But I did save the President of Mexico's cat, and in return, he gave me a job.
Head of security. For the cat.
Oh, so that would make you a cat-sitter?
Alex...
You look wonderful.
You look like a grown up young lady.
Aw. See, everybody?
It's possible to say that without being sarcastic.
And, Justin! Look at you, man.
Pretty soon, you're gonna be taller than me.
I already am taller than you, Uncle Ernesto.
Well, if your mother's 27, then I'm taller than you.
Now, I know it's your mother's birthday
but I still got you guys a little something-something.
Aw, thank you. That's so sweet of you.
Hi. Hello. I'm Harper.
I live with the Russos. Where's my little something-something?
Oh... Harper, nice to meet you.
I'm sorry. If I knew you were here, I would've brought you chocolate fudge or something.
Oh. No worries.
Being forgotten is like an old, comfortable pair of shoes.
Well, how about a giant novelty key that I bought in Times Square?
Ah! This is fine for now, but now that you know I exist,
I expect something better next time.
OK. Why don't we all just sit down, relax,
and Alex and Justin can open up their gifts.
You guys are gonna love it.
It is a classic Latin American game called Balero.
Ah. And if I'm not mistaken, Balero is Spanish
for "something really cool and expensive."
And I'm mistaken.
And for Theresa, I got our home movies transferred to a DVD...
and our most precious memories in a scrapbook.
Oh, Ernesto. It's wonderful.
Hey...
Uncle Ernesto! Max.
Hey, I got you a gift.
It's those shoes you wanted when you were little,
the ones with the springs on the bottom.
Remember how you said you wanted to jump to the moon?
Wow, thank you.
But, I don't really need those. I've been to Mars.
To Mars? Uh...
What he means to say is he's been to a Mars-themed restaurant in mid-town.
Yep. It's called T.J.I., you know... Mars.
Yeah, you're right. I'm sorry. I was just distracted by this gift
that came for Mom from Uncle Kelbo.
Open it, Mom. Max, why don't you get that out of here?
All right. I'll take it down to the Lair.
Um... Lair?
Uh... He means fort. We have a fort.
We built a fort.
Can someone go down and make sure that Kelbo's gift
gets into the fort? I'll go.
I meant you. Yeah, you got it.
I'm just gonna go to the fort.
A fort sounds like fun, man.
I built a fort once in the woods.
Yeah, it was so amazing that the park rangers turned it into a gift shop
where they sold mini versions of that fort.
Well, I've slept outside on our terrace.
In the rain.
Why would you do that?
In case I ran into someone with a story like that, so I could top it.
Topped.
All right, well, let's go check out this fort.
No, no! We can't, because we have to...
move the furniture like Theresa's always wanted.
Happy birthday, honey. Oh, thank you! It's what I've always wanted.
Uh... Ernesto, could you give me a hand?
Yes, I can give you a hand.
Yeah, Jerry! Go, do it!
You can move it!
Just kidding. Topped.
Max! Max, we are trying to give Mom a magic-free birthday.
Don't bring any of Uncle Kelbo's crazy magic gift upstairs.
Fine, I'll put it on the shelf with the others.
Others?
Did you just say that shelf is full of crazy magic gifts?
Um, no. You said crazy magic gifts. I just said shelf.
I can't believe it. I never touched those!
Dad told me those were educational toys. Max...
You knew about this and you didn't open up the gifts?
When I first heard about the shelf I was too short to reach it,
so, naturally, I forgot about it.
I'm trying to forget about stuff I can't reach.
Leaves more room up here for important stuff.
Oh, look. "Party in a Box."
Open the lid and turn any room into an instant party.
Well, I am dying to do that.
What are you guys doing?
You showed her the shelf, didn't ya? Yup.
Forget about this, Alex. We're supposed to be upstairs
having nothing to do with magic and that's where we're going.
Yeah, but there's a whole shelf of crazy magic gifts nobody ever told me about.
And, ooh...
Look at this one.
This one sounds like it's a time-traveling pocket watch.
You know you want it. No, I do not want it.
Why would I want that? We're not supposed to be using magic
so let's go. Come on! Tick-tock. Tick-tock.
Alex, that's not even how you do it. Give it here. I'll show you.
Oooh. It's a magic Swiss Shoulder Bag.
It has everything in it you need to survive.
Just like a wizard Swiss Army Knife.
Including... a mini-magic wand.
It's just a toothpick.
All right. We're opening presents. Love it! Yes!
Here we go.
Perfect. What?
It will complete my collection.
Of what? Of things I have no idea what they are.
Max, it's a toy chicken in a box.
"Fu-chicken." A chicken that tells the future.
Ask it a question about the future and when it lays its egg, the answer is inside.
Really? I'm gonna ask it if I'll ever be able to pull off skinny jeans.
Look, I'll answer that. No.
OK... Which one of us will win the wizard competition?
I need to know if all this "studying" is paying off.
Nicely done. Now we have to wait for it to lay the answer egg.
You kidding me? I don't have that kind of time.
Maybe I can squeeze it out of him.
Here, wait! Wait!
Get the chicken!
Look! Look at this.
Uh... huh.
Please note: Scaring the Fu-chicken
will cause it to lay various breakfasts, delaying the answer egg.
We need to go get that chicken before it lays magic waffles in front of Uncle Ernesto.
How did it lay the plate?
Whoa! Did the magic chicken move all the furniture around?
What? Uh...
Max calls Dad "Magic Chicken."
Oh, uh, right. And I call him "Boy Who Should Stop Talking."
What's going on?
There's gifts from Uncle Kelbo we weren't supposed to open,
but we did, Mom hates magic, there's a magic chicken,
if you see waffles, don't ask where they came from, just enjoy them.
Wait, people are eating waffles? I made cake.
Aw. Look at you guys, picking up right where you left off.
Happy birthday, Mom. It was all Alex's idea, you know, inviting you.
Uh... Now, now. Come on.
I'm not one to take credit... or blame.
Let's just say that this was everybody's idea, OK?
You'll want to remember that for later.
Hey! Magic chicken!
Hey, Jerry, your son's calling you.
What? Oh, right.
We do love our nicknames in this family.
Don't we, "What Should We Do Now?"
Yep. That's my nickname.
My nickname is: "I'm Sorry, Mom, and Remember I'm the Good One, Usually the Victim."
That's kind of long, isn't it?
Hey, let's watch go watch some home movies in our new living area,
or as I believe they're called now the "great room."
Oh, no. No movies. New plan.
We, we act them out. I'll be Mom, Justin, you're Ernesto.
And you are Grandma Maggie. Go!
OK... OK. Um, I'm Grandma Maggie.
Here's the story of my bicycle tour across America.
Why is there a chicken on the terrace?
Well, off the record, the chicken is gonna lay an egg
that's gonna tell us who's gonna win the wizard competition.
Now, on the record, I don't... what chicken?
OK, look...
someone found a chicken on the street
and then brought it into the house.
We can explain that. And lots of people raise their own chickens
so they don't have to pay for eggs, or...
or plates of waffles with fruit salad?!
We can't explain that! OK, I'll get rid of it.
Yes, you will. And, wrap up the waffles in some foil.
You can just toss the fruit salad.
Uh... And then I forgot which state was downhill.
OK, "Boy Who Should Stop Talking,"
go wash up on the terrace with "What Should We Do Now"
and "I'm Usually The Victim."
Grab the chicken. Get it!
Get it, Alex!
He still hasn't laid the answer egg.
Must be waiting right there in his chicken butt.
OK, I have an idea. Max, why don't you distract the chicken,
and I'll catch it in this box. But that's Dad's good box.
That's the box he was gonna use to store his favorite paper bags.
Justin, we have to do something to save Mom's "no-magic birthday."
All right, Max. Distract the chicken.
Do your "distract the chicken" dance.
Thought you'd never ask.
Alex! Oh, right. Sorry.
That was so good you distracted me.
OK, I got it. I got it.
Put it in.
Magic chicken problem solved.
Now, let's get in there and act like nothing's going on.
Or...
Or Max could stay here and watch it and wait for it to lay the answer egg.
All right. Fine.
All right.
Boo!
Ah, my favorite. Body-temperature oatmeal.
Oh, look at us. We are so cute!
Look how much fun they're having.
Aren't you glad we didn't ruin it for them?
Yep, got it all under control.
It's not like your bag is glowing or anything.
I know. My bag is glowing.
OK! I'm here to help! Uh...
Um... where did he come from?
Uh, this is... Our superintendent.
He has keys to all the apartments and lets himself in whenever he wants.
Yes, Cliff, thank you for coming.
The toilet is backed up. Let me show you where it is.
Hey!
Get back here, magic chicken.
I got him! I...
Chicken? I hate chickens. Get it away from me.
Hello, Cliff.
Yeah, I don't think this is the kind of birthday party
your mom was looking for, Alex.
Relax. At least I didn't open the "Party in a Box."
I...
All right. What's going on?
Where did all that come from?
It's a surprise birthday party for me!
Yes, that's exactly what it is.
Everybody, surprise! Surprise.
Surprise!
They are always surprising me.
Everywhere I look, there's always a surprise.
Alex, why don't you come outside onto the terrace with me,
so I can thank you for the surprise.
Oh, no thank you, Mom. Whatever you need to say, you can say in front of the witnesses.
What is going on in there?
If you would have told me that my birthday reunion with Ernesto
was gonna be a three-ring, dance party, chicken-squawking, elf circus,
I would've said, "Uh... no thanks."
I'm sorry, Mom.
I didn't mean for all this to happen.
You never mean it, do you, Alex? Yet it always happens.
I should have known better than to trust you.
Mom, I know how much you've sacrificed for us.
I just wanted you to give you a special birthday with Uncle Ernesto.
Then Uncle Kelbo sent a magic chicken that tells the future.
It was too tempting.
Yeah. Magic is always too tempting for you, isn't it?
And I had to lie to my own brother about what's going on.
Which is exactly what I was trying to avoid in the first place.
I'm sorry, Mom!
What... What happened to the party?
I had to use the police siren chirp spell.
Everyone scattered.
Where's Ernesto?
He didn't see you use magic, did he?
No, no. He left during the chaos.
But, he did have that look on his face that most people get
when they're with us more than an hour.
So it's official. He hates us, or he's confused by us, or both.
Got it! The magic chicken finally laid the answer egg.
Now we can find out who wins the wizard competition.
I'll take that.
Alex...?
What'd you do that for?!
It's my lame attempt at showing Mom
that we can make sacrifices for her, too.
Well, now we're never gonna find out who wins the wizard competition.
How about right after we have the wizard competition?
I trust the chicken more.
I'm sorry, Mom.
I appreciate the sacrifice, Alex.
Whoo! Cake's ready! Yay!
Harper, things are still tense.
Thank you for making the cake, Harper.
It's beautiful and it looks delicious.
Oh, no... we don't eat it.
The Finkle tradition is that you make a cake from scratch,
then use rolling pins to smash it, together as a family.
It's the one time a year we let out our frustrations.
And I think the cake is ready just in time.
No one hit me in the face, I'm goin' in.
Let the cake-smushing begin on the count of three. One...
All right. Everybody smush!
Whoo!
Yeah! Smush!
That's great!
Ernesto? You came back!
Of course, I came back. It turned into a party, so I brought...
Francisco, Angel, Rosa, and the twins!
Oh, I can't believe you're here!
Hey, what happened to the party?
You're making me look bad in front of my family.
Uh... Well, I don't want to lie to you.
The police showed up and everybody scattered.
I...
I've thrown great parties like that before.
It happens when you're wildly popular.
Well... You've got great timing.
We were just about to sing happy birthday to the smushed cake.
OK, great, but let's do it like our family does it.
Yeah.
All right, gather 'round.
And three, two, one...
Did you make a wish? I don't have to.
It's already come true.
Hey, guys!
Uncle Ernesto! I can explain.
No need to explain. I know what this room is.
It's Max's fort.
I always suspected it.
All right, everybody out. You heard Uncle Ernesto.
It's my fort.
Max, this is an amazing fort.
Almost as amazing as mine.
But not so amazing that they would build a gift shop
where they would sell miniature versions of it.
I'd love to use magic to make this a real-sized fort.
Max!
I bet you would, Max. Yeah.
That's how amazing this fort is.
When people see it, they wish they had magic.